A guide To Surviving a hangover

10:34

Waking up in all your clothes on the floor thirty centimeters away from your bed is never a good thing. After gathering myself slowly to my feet I began to piece together what happened the night before. It must have been someone’s birthday, a 21st or a 30th anything else would not have resulted in as much pain as this. 

11:00

I’m at the point now where I can actually feel my brain sitting in my skull. It’s like a ball of steel wool pressing against the back of my eyes. The room has stopped spinning but has now taken on another slightly more disturbing trait of being on a slight tilt. I am so hungover.

It is a little known rule of the English language hyperbole is only acceptable when you’re hungover. It's in the back of the dictionary somewhere, I swear. I’d get up and show you but it’s all the way over there on the shelf, and the thought of getting up has brought on another bout of whisky-tears. 

11:45

A quick trip to the bathroom to relieve myself for the sixth time this morning reveals something quite odd. There’s a thin red burn along the tip on my nose which is quite sore. I am able to trace the origins of this mystery drunken injury to the consumption of what is commonly known in the bar trade as a gas chamber. Light a Sambuca shot on fire and contain the vapors it produces in a separate glass. Place said glass flat on the table to trap the vapor, drink the shot and then suck the vapor through a straw. 

Top tip: Be wary when drinking said shot as the glass will be extremely hot and will melt through your nose. Alternatively you could be really stupid and do it this way

Idiot.

12:00

This calls for drastic measures before this beast evolves and goes into stage two of hangover mode where the only option is to get back into bed and try and sweat it out. Not today though, I will fight it with food.

Modern man must take action in order to rid themselves of such uncompromising hangovers and luckily enough my pad is primed and ready to be able to deal with days such as this. There’s a lot to be said about drunken feng shui. This is the art of organising your furniture and household items in such a way so that they are easily accessible to any moron with a hangover and also easily avoidable to any drunken loon to prevent further self-harm. The fridge is a prime example of this:

Combine this with specifically designed gadgets for men with hangovers and I’m on my way to ridding myself of this crippling hangover. With a few drunken fumbles on my smartphone I can put some soothing music on, dim the lights to protect my shrunken eyes, turn the air con on to cool the beer sweats and change the T.V channel to something that will make me feel better. I also find that my extendable back stretcher comes into play here. Not just for ridding myself of that annoying itch in the small of my back, but also as a means of self-defense. The hungover homo sapien is easily startled and not entirely prepared for the realities of the world. With an extendable backscratcher though, as well as being able to relieve any uncomfortable niggles, he can also change the T.V channel by prodding the buttons of on the box if the remote is too far away – my ancestors would be proud.

So with the smell of bacon now filling the air and some day time rubbish on the television I start to feel a little better. Coffee is brewing, cheese is grilling (I’m going for the tripled tiered sandwich with all the trimmings) I think it’s time to try and figure out how much damage I’ve done to my face.